Random notes of thoughts today

My son and I were talking today and we were discussing Byron quitting smoking with the patch .. he used the patch for a year. He broke out all down the lower part of both legs so,  he stopped using the patch. I am seriously wondering if that is what started having a problem with his heart. Those patches are not meant  to use for a year.  When I reflect back Last summer he said his left arm felt numb and so I had finished mowing the grass, and I did all the mowing when he was gone to work. so that problem never came back up for him.. maybe because I was doing the mowing or it might have again? 
Then I remember when he was working at k-mart he had to push the heavy carts into the store in the middle of the winter and he said he was really out of breath then. He told his boss and so he did not have to do that anymore.
Then when we had all that cold weather and then it had snowed, he said he was out of breath one time when he was blowing snow. So I went out and helped him.
I asked him if he needed to see the doctor, but he thought maybe it was just anxiety over all that snow or maybe having problems breathing due to the cold weather or thought maybe he had not quite gotten over the bad cold he and I had in January.
He also was worried it maybe just trouble breathing due to smoking and his lungs were clearing out now after not smoking since End of March or First Part of April , 2012.  Damn I wish I would have made an appointment for him, he might still be alive!
I know I should not go there, with the would have, should have or could haves as that will not bring him back.
But I was thinking that this all started after those patches!
But then the numbness in his arm didn't come back that I can remember, but it seems like I am remembering more as I keep thinking about it.. why we did not see the signs??
 .. I only remember him saying it those couple times and the  trouble breathing a couple weeks prior to this happening, but he said he thought he was doing better. He was drinking honey, lemon and cinnamon drinks in the morning and at night. He said,  he seemed to feel better.

So, I did not push for him to see the doctor. I really wish I would have.

I know when he was wearing the patch for such a long time, I was really concerned then and told him he should see a doctor about the rash on his leg and get a checkup, but he didn't have medical insurance and the VA doctor was an hour away. Oh yes, I do remember him trying to get an appointment once and  the soonest he could get in was in the middle of the winter and he said, he would wait until spring then because he didn't like driving very far in the winter time. Since none of the symptoms continued he thought he was okay and it was nothing serious.  
Boy, both of us were wrong on that!

Oh, when I was just talking to one of Byron's Brothers, I did remember one other time, he woke up in the middle of the night and said he was short of breath, he drank water, took an aspirin and he said a prayer and circled healing light around himself and he felt better and he thought he was going to be okay. Thought maybe it was bad indigestion. I completely forgot about that until tonight.  So damn, it was like he had small little signs, but we didn't take any of them seriously.

I really have to write more about this .. as the next mornming, he told me all about it.. and we even recorded  the experience that he had. As I turned on the digital recorder a lot of mornings when we had our morning talks. We loved deep conversations. So, I do remember taping this conversation about this experience. I really will need to go through all of our recordings and get them uploaded into a video format.  That way I have everything documented to reflect back on.  We had so many great conversations about what life is all about... what we think our life purpose is etc. I loved those mornings! I miss them terribly.  To find a man who had the same beliefs as I do.. was so amazing!
=============
I keep  turning to talk to him, and he is not here.  I even find myself still talking to him anyway, as I feel he is with me in spirit and he can hear me talking to him.
I know  our love was strong and we are always connected.

=============
Today , I talked to the mortician and he said,  Byron had already been cremated and he had the ashes there for me to pick up on Monday.
He told me about the one urn that was hand made by someone in MN and that Byron Loved to work with Wood. He loved it.. he made a lot of our things in our home with wood and did an Excellent Job! Anyway, I would love to get that Urn for him it is $125 Dollars, this would be so fitting for Byron, it would be made out of what he loved to do. He had made lots of jewelry boxes and storage benches,  made huge beautiful dressers, bed stands, and a storage cabinet out of wood and they are so beautiful, so it s only fitting that he has this Urn to show his personality and love .
Here is a picture of it: 

It is Beautiful.. you can get some with designs like a deer, etc.. not sure if that is more or not. But I think Byron would really love this.

I tried to call Social Scrutiny today to see about getting on Disputably (as I am legally blind) and widows pension. I guess it is called survivors benefits. Could not get through, so going to try tomorrow. Have to call VA and get his service information also for his obituary and I guess to get Funeral benefit of I think $250, a flag, name tag and a free death certificate in his honor.
Also need to call the pastor tomorrow about the memorial. Some people are saying to wait until spring. The only thing about this, is that I will have this on my mind at all times until then and all the family and friends will not really have closure until we have the memorial. So, I am not sure, if  I should have it in a week or the weekend of his birthday, or wait until May?
Then what do I do ??? Put the obituary in the paper now and then put something in the paper again when the memorial happens?
I would not want people driving on the roads in bad weather! So, I am very confused about this!

All I know is that I really need to start selling things, such as the car and pickup. Even though if I move, the pickup would come in handy for my son to drive and help me . So many decisions.. But I want to make them all with my heart not my mind.  The mind can tell you things that are not true. Worrying about things that I should not worry about..  Just allow and let things play out.. have faith that all will turn out wonderfully. 

Believe , have hope and faith and allow